wrestling with God...

My heart is torn and distracted today. I want to watch service and to be in the moment, but I can't. My heart is heavy for my kids. All morning, God's been asking me to pick up my Bible. In the silence of my dining room, I did. As i type this, I weep because I have realized how big our God is. We are walking through something right now every parent fears. We are waiting on test results that could alter our future forever. We are looking at a possibility of a disease the can destroy life.

I'm torn because those around me don't want to hear these results either. none of us do. We don't want to hear bad news, we want to hear good news. But I am reminded that God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him... no matter what these results are... the question is, do I love God? I remember awhile back, Joey was having a rough time. Couldn't handle church, couldn't handle the crowded class room on Sunday morning. So, I sat with him alone as I often do on Sunday and we stayed in the mommy/baby room. Much like today, I wanted to hear the service, but God chose different. I sat there alone as I heard God say "Do you love me?" With tears and hurt, I said YES GOD. I do. Then He said something that pierced my heart... "If things never get better and I don't heal your kids, will you still love me?" Took me longer to answer... but... I said YES.

Today, that weighs heavy on my heart. I want to say that Satan is attacking right now... i want to say this is all something we can pray away and get up and it will be gone... but my babies were born this way. They were created with a flaw. I say that reading the verse that God has been pleading me to read today....

Psalm 139:13-16

"for you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when i was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

There is no denying that Father God knew what my kids would face. There is no denying from birth, they have faught. In good days, even in the past year, signs were still there, they still faught... Surgery has caused set backs, exhaustion has caused set backs, life comes and hits. This verse speaks clearly to me today. Am I giving up, NO! I'm not. I believe full well that He has every moment accounted for and I am living in faith that tomorrow is a new day with new miracles. But today, I walk in the fact that there are things there. My children were born with what the world calls special needs. I want to shut down, I want to withdraw... I want to say it isn't true... But, I have to trust... I have to know, GOD KNEW FROM DAY ONE where my kids would be at. How they would be feeling today. I have to trust that when those results come back... God made my babies and they too is crafted into His plan. The choice is... Do I love Him? My answer is YES... the issue is... if the word comes back frightening and we are going to face devestating results... Was it in His plan... YES> so, if it is there... if we face a nuero muscular disease... Will I still serve Him? You better beleive it. Disease... bad days.. none of it changes who God is! None of it changes the outcome of our life... Our days were ordained and written in His book before ONE OF THEM came to be... he knew... He knows... Life isn't changed by the outcome of a test... Life is changed by the answer we give... Do you love Him? So, yes, I love Him... which means, we move forward and we walk out the days ordained for us and we LOVE HIM and we SERVE HIM.

God, My life is yours. Father, My babies are yours! you know the plans! You made them! They are fearfully and WONDERFULLY made! We love you Papa and we chase hard after you! amen.