obedience vs. fear...

It has been awhile since I have gotten to listen to a sermon. We have made our way back to church and I am VERY busy with the kids while there. Miss Abby has transitioned well, but Joey not so well. He has trouble with lots of noise and things going on around him. probably related to his seizure disorder... but this morning, we stayed home because of life being in chaos itself with our move. I think it was a God thing though because I got to listen to the WHOLE sermon today. I was convicted... I don't know at all what God's plan is for my children. I don't know if it is healing, if it sustaining or if it is what every parent would never want to face. I have no idea because God didn't promise me or any one tomorrow... but HE DID ask me to trust Him for today. The other night I posted something that I soon after removed. God has been laying things on my heart. We received the news that we may never have a complete diagnosis and until today, I didn't realize how much that was controlling me. My eyes left the source of life and stared straight in the face of uncertainty. I clutched it and I held on tight... because of that, I have missed something... I have missed that God has an ultimate plan. My life is a question mark every day because we never know whether we will be racing to the ER with a sick child or whether it will be a "normal" day for us... and then... I missed that God has a purpose in all of this. We affect every life we cross, we have the opportunity to worship HIM in the good and the bad... allowing myself to grasp our "non-diagnosis" has allowed me to fall prey in forgetting to worship HIM. He loves me and He loves my children more than I ever could. He knows their every tomorrow and He WILL give us the grace that we need for each moment. Today's moment... there are things God is asking of me and because of my fear of Mito... because of my fear of how long will I get to hold my babies... my fear of how long will they be mine... my fear of what tomorrow holds... I have lost sight of the amazing and strong hand before me waiting to hold me tight, waiting to walk me into my families destiny. I know there are things God called Jeff and I too.. I know there are things that he has not revoked... He has not forgotten because the Call of God is irrevocable... it is whether or not we have the faith to lay down what is before us and trust Him to take hold of our lives and have us at the place He desires and needs us to be... Mito is not our destiny... I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know today holds the truth that God is in control, God has called us and set us a part and I don't know what that call means in light of my kids illness, but I know God is never changing and so today, I throw my hands up and I cry out to God that He will forgive me and He will carry me forward and I will be able to trust for every moment that He is in control and I can live in faith and obedience and do what God has so strongly placed on my heart...